4. Breaking emotional ties

Emotional recovery phases

Chemical dependency on inhaled nicotine is one of the most intense, repetitive and dependable relationships you've ever known. It has infected nearly every aspect of your life.

Be prepared to experience a normal sense of emotional loss during recovery. Expect to experience up to five different emotional recovery phases: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance._{[1] [2]}

The order, timing and duration of the phases can vary. It's possible that one or more phases can be diminished or absent, especially if experiencing a more significant sense of loss (such as failing health), or if convinced that there was absolutely nothing good about using.

Denial

Cessation denial is a state of disbelief. The denial phase of emotional recovery questions and challenges whether a long and intense chemical relationship is really ending.

I started every seminar and clinic by asking for an honest show of hands to this question. "How many of you feel that you will never, ever smoke again?"

It was rare for any hand to go up. Even though they wanted to stop, there and then, they were in denial, as none believed they would. Although we want to stop, the mind isn't convinced yet.

If convinced, why do so many of us treat recovery as a secret? Why leave an escape route such as that one hidden cigarette, or a means to quickly get more?

Denial is normal. But, be careful. If allowed, it can quickly transform disbelief into failure.

Anger

"Have I really had my last nicotine fix?"
"This just isn't fair!"

The anger phase of recovery is a period of healing where we begin to awaken to the realization that it may actually be within our ability to pull this off and succeed. It's awareness that, just maybe, our last puff, vape, pouch, dip or chew ever, is already behind us.

Durable nicotine use memories flowing from captive dopamine pathways elevated that next fix to one of life's top priorities. But, emotional recovery has now transported us from fear of withdrawal to fear of success.

Is it any wonder that anger—an emotional outlet—would be the mind's reaction?

It's now sinking in. Success is occurring in spite of denial. A relationship that was once high-priority is ending. This realization can feel overwhelming.

Now, all the new ex-user requires is some excuse, any excuse, to let it all out, to vent, to turn an ant-hill into a mountain. While this high-energy phase of the emotional stage of goodbye is a normal step in recovery, the educated ex-user both recognizes anger's arrival and understands its roots.

Recognition is critical as it provides a protective seed of reason inside a mind looking for a spark, a fear-driven mind poised to abandon rational thought.

If allowed, that spark may activate the body's fight or flight response, releasing a cascade of more than one hundred chemicals and hormones.

The prospect of success is not a logical reason to get mad, enraged, argue or fight. The educated mind knows that emotion can be contrary to our well-being and best interests.

Anger ignores all positives while faking a sense of loss, a loss based largely on false use beliefs.

Bargaining

"Just one, just once more."
"Maybe I'm the exception to the Law."
"Please God, I've gone 2 days without."
"I've earned it, just once more."

Bargaining is back and forth negotiation in order to reach an agreement. It tends to give us a sense of control over the uncontrollable, to believe that there is a way to avoid a sense of loss.

There is no bargaining with our addiction to nicotine as it's impossible to undo how our brain reacts to it. For us, one will always equal all.

Depression

"I'm lost without nicotine."
"What's the use?"
"Why bother getting up?"

Grief's quiet stage, depression is what most people think of when reflecting on a sense of loss.

While depression creates space for healthy reflection, what if after careful evaluation of our relationship with nicotine, we become convinced that we'd been living a lie?

What if nicotine dependence created stress instead of diminishing it? Instead of liking or loving using, what if use killed and buried all memory of the calm and comfortable us?

How hard would it be to let go and move on from a relationship built upon lies?

As for depression itself, be careful. It's possible for a normal sense of loss to be mixed with or reflect real organic depression.

Depression can reflect an underlying hidden condition or a possible need for a medication adjustment if already being treated. Don't hesitate to get seen or call a depression hot line if you or a loved one becomes concerned.

Acceptance

"Hey, I'm feeling pretty good"
"I can do this, this is great!"
"Best decision I've ever made."
"I only wish I'd done it sooner!"

Acceptance doesn't necessarily mean that you'll become happy about breaking free, but that you've accepted it.

Now and then, you’ll encounter a reluctant ex-user, who remains convinced that their chemical relationship had value. While clinging to obsessive thoughts of using nicotine obviously makes moving on more difficult, it can also increase risk of relapse.

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1. Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth, "On Death and Dying," 1969, Routledge, ISBN 0415040159.

2. Spitzer, J, Joel's Library, Understanding the Emotional Loss Experienced When Quitting Smoking, 1982, https://whyquit.com/joel