"How do I deal with ... "
I originally had the following text in a Freedom support group thread titled "Dealing with a personal crisis on the board."
That string was dealing with attention-seeking posts, but there are times when a person will turn to our members for help on other issues, not because they are seeking attention but rather because they figured that since we were able to help them with one major problem, quitting smoking, that we then are also equipped to helping with others. This is not the case though.
Asking how to deal with issues that are not quitting-related are likely to result in many people coming up with many different thoughts and different pieces of advice. Some may be sound, others may not and there is no way for us to siphon out the good advice from the bad. What is the right approach for one person in dealing with a specific problem may not be the right approach for another person.
That is why our standard reply for dealing with other life issues is to find professional help that is seeing you as an individual, someone who has your whole story and training in dealing with the problem you are encountering. Again, the following comments from the string "Dealing with a personal crisis on the board" addresses this issue:
A quit smoking site is not the place to solve major life traumas. A quit smoking site may be the best site to deal with smoking, depending on the site, and there may be some other specialized sites that are helpful in dealing with other traumas too, but often people on Internet sites may not have the best training or understanding or be the best prepared for dealing with the specific problem at hand. You may find people who really want to help but who may not in fact be the best people to deal with the problem you are facing.
If a member encounters real-life tragedies they should seek help from professionals. Who would you call if your car breaks down? Would you call a friend who has no particular knowledge of car repairs and whose own car is currently broken down too? This person cannot help you fix your car and cannot even at this point in time offer you a ride. If your car breaks down you call a mechanic.
If your computer suddenly dies you don’t call a friend whose computer also died and has not been able to get it going again. If your home plumbing explodes you don’t get right on the Internet and waste time chatting on a bulletin board about how bad everything smells without first calling a plumber to actually fix the problem. If your house all of sudden starts on fire you don’t go to the Internet and compare notes with others who may have lived through a fire experience–you call the fire department. If someone breaks into your home while you are still there you don’t go to the Internet to talk out your fears. You either call the police or try to escape from your home. If you are experiencing sudden chest pains or maybe all of a sudden lose vision in one eye you shouldn’t spend time looking up symptoms on the Internet or chatting with others who may have had a similar experience at one time, you call for paramedics.
If something emotionally big is happening in your life and you find yourself spinning out or control you need to seek professional help too. It may mean calling your doctor, a professionally sanctioned crisis hotline in your town who can offer real live support, going to a local emergency room, calling 911 or whatever emergency number is set up in your area by local authorities, depending on the severity of the problem and how fast you can get action.
This list could have gone on but hopefully, everyone gets the point here. If you ever find yourself in a medical or psychological crisis seek professional assistance, meaning, seek a professional in the arena of the specific problem you are encountering.
Again, depending on the problem you are facing there are professionals who can help. There are professional mechanics, plumbers, firemen, police, paramedics, crisis counselors, psychologists and physicians. Deal with emergencies head on when they occur. At the same time stay focused on the fact that whatever the problem, taking a cigarette will not help it.
Once you have dealt with the crisis, and your full attention is not needed to get out of the immediate danger, then is the time to come to a quit smoking site and reinforce your resolve to stay smoke-free, either by reading or maybe even posting. Hopefully, if you come back in to post, the essence of the post will be saying how you have proved to yourself once again that even under the most extreme of circumstances that you are able to stay smoke-free by just sticking to your commitment that no matter what else is going on around you that you still know to Never Take Another Puff!
Joel
Comments from the original Freedom support group string "Dealing with a personal crisis on the board."
“I’m Dying!” Or, “My boss just spontaneously combusted and he had my paycheck in his pocket and now I am out of a job and cheated of my last week’s pay.” Or, “My daughter ran away to marry an escaped ax-murderer, and he is already married.” Or, “My husband left me for a man.” Or, “My wife left me for my brother-worst than that, she took my favorite power tools with her.” Or, “My dog ate my neighbor and the police are hunting us down right now. Worse than that, the dog is eyeing me pretty strangely now-and drooling!”
There are posts that pop up periodically that are quite shocking or alarming and in a way bring the board to a screeching halt. Members read the horrible scenario, don’t know how to answer the person and then feel funny answering other posts because the poor victim of the horrible news will know that they have been there and didn’t jump in with support.
Some problems are real and I don’t want anyone to think I am making a mockery of them. But some problems are just too big to be dealt with in the confines of this board. We are a serious support and educational site; we are not a talk show here.
When catastrophes strike I want members to think a little before they post. Is the situation they are writing about something that anyone can really help with here? Does the post have anything to do with smoking? If you read the same post from another person would you see it as a cry for help or a cry for attention?
I guess that is what this is really coming down too. Attention seekers can hurt a serious site. They can stir up wild emotions, cause great debates and controversies, and in a way destabilize this board and the quits of people at this board. People come here for our clear-headed and logical support. We are a safe haven for people in crises. We maintain this status by keeping the board serious and focused.
Does that mean we don’t want a person in crisis to come to our site? Not at all. When you are encountering a major life problem and need help, come and read all you can to refocus your thoughts on the importance of staying smoke-free even under such extreme circumstances. Or if you want people to say they are thinking or praying for you, write a post and say that you are really being tested at the moment, your resolve is shaky, but leave out the sordid details. Don’t make our members try to solve problems that are unsolvable in this kind of setting.
I guess it's kind of like going to church in a time of crisis. When you go to a crowded church service after a real-life shattering event, do you go there with the intent that you will go in front of the congregation, scream out all of the gory details for all to hear and want the service to stop and focus around you? Or do you go to the church to get back your focus, to quietly reflect and think of solutions in a safe haven kind of environment, or maybe, if deeply troubled enough you may go to your religious leader after the service for guidance? I suspect or at least hope your reason for going is for the latter–you may be looking for answers or meaning but you are not going to drag the whole congregation into it.
So please, think before you post. If something is really big and you want some advice, write the managers here off the board. Although I can tell you if the situation is beyond the realm of smoking issues, even we will be limited as to the advice we can give. We will tell you that smoking can’t solve the problem at hand–it can’t solve any problem. We will tell you that you may want to get outside help, and if the crisis is big enough or if your reaction to a problem is serious enough you should call your local crisis center, doctor, police or someone with a real capability of dealing with you and your problem one on one right now. But we can’t give you much more than that when it comes down to it, and neither can anyone else here.
So again, think before you post. Is your post a cry for help or a cry for attention? If it is the latter think hard before hitting that send key. A cry for attention will likely be deleted in the future and if repeated or if blatant enough, membership may be pulled. We don’t want to kick a person when they are down, but we will not tolerate our board being destabilized or more important, our members' quits being destabilized by attention-seeking posts.
Again, no matter what the crisis, smoking won’t solve it. As has been written many times here, a relapse will not solve a crisis, a relapse is a crisis. If you don’t want another life-threatening problem on your hands always remember to Never Take Another Puff!
Joel
This post was originally written under the title I’M DYING! I wrote it back in 2001, back at a time when we were a bit less structured than we are now. Wild things happened at our site back then. Since that time we have strived to keep our board a more focused and serious site.
"I'm Dying!"
I have a number of posts that have titles that are designed to be a little more attention getting. Generally, I put quotes around these posts to highlight the fact that the titles themselves are a device to get out some thought provoking concept. Often the titles are being used in a tongue in cheek fashion. Examples of such posts are:
- "I’m mad that I can’t smoke anymore"
- "Dying for a cigarette"
- "I’m safe from smoking because of my genetic makeup"
- "If they ever cure lung cancer, I would go back to smoking"
- "Maybe I am different"
- "Boy do I miss smoking"
- "I think I have decided to go back to smoking
This list is by no way all inclusive. While searching for this small sampling I saw numerous others that I could have used, and also came across some others that should have been highlighted in some way so that all who saw the title knew immediately that the post was an analytical kind of article and not a true statement of intent or current sentiment. Over time I may fix more of these oversights.
One more post from the original string that further elaborates on the original concept in this string:
We very rarely have to bring this string up because of an actual member making such an attention seeking post, but we like to bring it up often to help our newest readers and all prospective members to get a sense of how we operate here at Freedom. We are not a site where let anything go. We are a site that is totally dedicated to keep our board and more important,ly every one of our members and readers totally focused on the importance of staying committed to Never Take Another Puff!
Joel
