The Smoker's Memorial

I was a smoker since I was born or even before. I never had the courage to ask my Mom if she smoked while pregnant - I didn’t want her to feel sad or guilty.

I grew up in a house full of cigarette smoke. It was the last years when people could still smoke at work, teachers at school and doctors in examination rooms. But smoking at home with children sitting or even sleeping in the same room was just normal in almost all smokers’ houses.

I started to smoke at age of 14, but never was a heavy smoker. I had long breaks and smoked a max 10 cigarettes on average. I decided to quit completely the 20 February 2020, cold turkey and at that time I was reading the WhyQuit website daily. For me it was not really hard to quit, I’d quit for 1.5 years when I got pregnant for first time (but started smoking again as my husband was a smoker), then I quit second time when we decided to have a baby #2.

I used the EasyWay method and it was easy but relapsed again after ending breastfeeding. Then in the beginning of 2020 I decided it was for good. I knew it would not be as hard as it seems but it’s always hard the first few days, so I was delyaing it a bit in time, you know, like “it’s not a good moment now.”

The WhyQuit website helped me to stop those excuses. The fact that I was not a heavy smoker made it actually harder, because the risks were not that big, I did not spend a lot of money on cigarettes and did not suffer from smokers cough or bad breath or something. But I am smoke free for almost 4 years now.

I remember asking my Mom to quit and I remember she tried but it was very hard for her. I convinced her to only smoke in the bathroom by the window so she could at least sit in clean air in the living room while not smoking, and she was sticking to this habit until she got ill and weak.

She was diagnosed with skin cancer IV stage somewhere around 2017. She got the cancer removed, as well as the lymph nodes and the margin of the skin. In this connection she had a lot of tests, x ray of the chest and everything and was declared cancer free. She did not stop smoking.

She was still having her 6 months checks when corona lockdown started. Her two last checks got cancelled and the GP only offered video consultations. She was a very sweet person, who doesn’t like to insist. And she was afraid of finding out what her symptoms could be. She was recently tired, short of breath, thirsty all the time…

Me and my sister live far away so we only had phone contact. My Mom never liked Skype. She was telling us, she’s fine. Her voice sounded normal. She sounded normal. She did not have a cough. She was not short of breath while talking. She isolated herself under corona and had daily contact on phone with many friends and family but only one of her sisters got a bit suspicious about her health. I was always very close to my Mom, but she tricked even me.

One day she admitted she’s not able to go out with garbage and buy food for her lovely cats. The cats were probably the only reason she decided to tell the truth about how she felt. She also admitted she had an attack some months ago when she fainted at the citizen office while collecting documents. They called the ambulance and she got to know she must go to the hospital as her blood pressure is much too low and her sugar much too high, but she denied. She blackmailed her friend who was with her that day not to tell me or my sister. But since then her health was quickly deteriorating.

I immediately ordered food and other groceries with home delivery. She kept telling me I have to stay home, she wanted to protect me from seeing what the illness has done to her body, to her house, her will and dignity. She eventually accepted my big sister to come by and help as at this time it was me blackmailing her, that I will come and take care of everything. She probably saw my visit as a potential tornado and preferred my sister to come. I am the youngest, my Moms girl, and also I am the more insistent and stubborn, quick to act and I would not hesitate to move heaven and earth to help her. But she was tired. Extremely tired and my sister is the reasonable one, always thinking before acting.

When my sister arrived, Mom was skinny, dirty, confused and very weak. Her house was a mess, she was sitting surrounded by garbage bags, in a diaper as she had no energy to go to the bathroom, with her phone and of course cigarettes next to her. My sister took care of the house and the doctor appointments. First blood tests revealed diabetes. But her main struggle was the shortness of breath. She was struggling all the time. The only good thing is that she was not in pain, she had tramadol pills prescribed in unlimited amount but only took one a day or even none. But the feeling of suffocating was a torture.

My mom’s sugar has been regulated by the medicine and it helped with some of the symptoms such as thirst and urine pressure. It took away a bit of the tiredness as well. She started slowly to eat and we got our wonderful neighbor to take care of her daily. The neighbor and my Mom were friends for almost 30 years, but she didn’t know how bad my Mom was doing. The neighbor is working with palliative care of elderly people living with them in their houses in their last times, so she was away for a long time and only spoke with my Mom on the phone. At that time she just returned home as her last patient passed away at age of 96. She had a small break before taking a new patient and offered to take care of my Mom until she gets better.

We believed she would. She believed in it too, when she received the x-ray results. She told me they show some changes but she hadn't spoke to a pulmonologist yet. She only read the description. My mom felt better, regained her appetite, started to walk around the house, dropped the diapers, and had her neighbor around. She started to joke and smile, hoping she could still get better, but was very frustrated about the shortness of breath not going away.

Some days after she had a big crisis. She couldn’t breathe and sleep at night because she couldn’t lay down without completely loosing her breath. In the morning she went to the doctor and got booked for a hospital stay in order to make all tests faster. She was at first supposed to meet at the hospital in three days as they did not have a room in the multi-specialistic department she needed to stay in.

The next day, she was so short of breath that they needed to call an ambulance. The paramedics came, had a look on the x-ray and other exams that my Mom had not discussed with the specialists yet. The paramedics knew it was very bad. She got oxygen and steroids inhalation and was told to use it until her hospital appointment.

The next day, her lovely helper was packing the last things for the hospital stay the very next morning when my Mom sent her away to buy some random small stuff. When the helper came back, my Mom was laying on the floor, not breathing anymore. Immediate resuscitation and the paramedics that came within 10 min could not save her. She passed away at 5 pm on the 23 February 2022, only a couple of months after we realized she had some health concerns. I am sure it was her choice to die before going to the hospital. Since her breathing failure some days before she lost all hope and sounded like she understood she was not getting better.

I was angry. I talked to a friend who’s a nurse and she told me my Mom probably had a blood clot in the lung. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t taken to the hospital when the ambulance came. But her helper told me, she didn’t want to. When I came to take care of her house, I found the test results. My Mom had a tumor as big as an orange in her right lung. The tumor was surrounded by a dead tissue that failed because the tumor devastated the lung. There were also several other tumors in left lung, metastasis in size of up to 4 cm. Nothing in the left lung on x ray, but the comment to the description was, she immediately needs a full body pet scan to check for other metastases. She probably also had tumors in her pancreas as it was not producing insulin anymore and caused diabetes.

Her cause of death was listed as natural as the documentation was extensive enough not to do an autopsy. So we don’t know what exactly killed our Mom. Was the tumor in her lungs a metastasis of earlier skin cancer or a spontaneous lung cancer? Or metastasis of another cancer? Did she really have a stroke? I’ve heard a blood clot in lungs is common with lung cancer. It’s also common to get a clot when a person is dehydrated and lying in bed for a long time. When she got her water balance regulated and started to move and walk, small blood clots in her legs could have detached and ended up in her damaged lung.

I don’t know, but I know she was a heavy smoker for 50 years.

Even if she got the treatment for the blood clot, she could only look forward to ending her life alone in the closed hospital department, getting one bad news after another. With no visits, no hope, away from home. She chose to die before the doctors had a chance to prolong her suffering.

Despite very advanced cancer she was not really in pain. She had some chest pains, and the feeling of suffocating was really a torture, but I think she didn’t wanted the pain and side effects of the treatment. She didn’t wanted to see her family and friends being sad and worried. She didn’t want all those things that come with treatment even if it could maybe buy her some time. She decided to live her life on her own terms, with her cigarettes and evening drinks. With the limitations from her own body but not from the doctors. I am not mad anymore. I respect her decision. But I still miss her and would like to have her around any longer.

Mia

Hi John this is Chandan. I'm a 28-year-old boy from India. I lost my grandma due to cancer 4 years ago. She was a smoking addict although she quit smoking 2-3 years before she was diagnosed with cancer. But the reason behind her death was her smoking addiction.

MISS YOU GRANDMA 😞

Just wanted to share my personal experiences on how smoking has ruined the lives of some of my friends and family.

One of my co-workers passed away in December 2018 from cancer. She was only 52 years-old. She found out she had stage 4 cancer about 2-3 weeks before she passed. She was an extremely sweet woman who was always in a good mood and had a HUGE laugh. Her name was Sue. I'm 42 years old and started smoking at 14 but Sue's tragic death has helped me in my decision to quit finally.

My father was also a smoker and had a massive stroke while smoking a cigarette one night many years ago. Unfortunately, he passed away 3 weeks later. I also have a friend who has been a lifelong smoker that was diagnosed with COPD. She can't seem to kick the habit though. I decided I didn't want my future to look like any of these stories and quit cold turkey. It hasn't been the easiest at times but I know it will be well worth it in the end.

Thanks!
Kim

I quit fully around a month ago. I'm 58 and have been smoking since I was 15. I lost both my parents to smoking, my mom 3 years ago to copd and this last January my dad from clogged arteries in his neck, which brought on dementia, which he suffered with for the last 10 years. I have a aunt who lost a leg to smoking and a cousin who had a lung transplant. She had COPD from smoking. I knew I needed to do this for my grandchildren.

Deborah Windish

My mother died in March 2011 from COPD. She had started smoking after she had her first child at seventeen. Our father had brought the cigarettes home and told her he was told it was a good way to lose the extra weight she had gained from being pregnant. She smoked almost 50 years before she quit. Full time oxygen tanks in the house made her fear she would accidentally blow up the house. So at age 68, Mom stopped smoking cold turkey.

Out of four children, I was the only one to pick up the nasty smoking habit. I remember hating it as a kid. My clothes , hair, and coats smelled like smoke. I used to “swear I’m never going to smoke.”

As of today, I haven’t smoked in 15 days after a lifelong sentence to them. I quit cold turkey because I am tired of coughing, stinking, and avoiding people and places because I can’t smoke there. It’s been a struggle because I began ingesting nicotine before I was born. My mother smoked during her last three pregnancies. I weighed 3 pounds 12 ounces when I was born full term. I inhaled secondhand smoke from both parents in the house, in the car, everywhere. While I was growing up adults smoked anywhere they wanted. (e.g. hospitals, classrooms)

Dad was able to quit smoking at age 53 when the doctor diagnosed him with emphysema. He is 82, struggles to breathe when it is hot outside, but is able to have a good quality of life. He has lived 10 years longer than Mom did. She died when she was 72. He misses her every day. We all do.

It snuck up on me. All the years wasted being shackled to a drug that slowly kills. One day at a time. Every day since I quit I am thankful and try to talk myself out of it within the same minute. Moment to moment I wrestle against my own self destructive thoughts. The WhyQuit website has been a Godsend to me. I visit it every day, several times a day, to continue reprogramming myself as a non-smoker.

Marguerita Pearce

My mother started smoking as a teen. Back in the 50's there were no warnings, her father smoked. She enjoyed it. My mother must've been one of those people for whom it is very physically addictive.

In the fall of 2014, she was feeling ill, back pain, weight loss, and more chest congestion than her usual 'smoker's cough'. During the holidays she barely got off the couch. She saw her doctor in January of 2015. She was prescribed antibiotics for a pneumonia/bronchitis type diagnosis. After a few rounds of antibiotics failed her, she grudgingly went for more testing. In March we got the diagnosis of NSCLC (non small cell lung cancer).

She began with radiation and then chemotherapy. It was awful to watch what it all did to her and to hear her talk about her prognosis and when she might die. In October she was tested for a new immunotherapy drug, and found to be an excellent candidate. She got the drug but unfortunately it was much too late for her. A week or two later she called 911 because despite the c-pap she was unable to breathe. She died on November 4 of 2015.

Days before she passed she wept as she told me how sorry she was. I knew that she was sorry for smoking. Sorry for what she did to herself, and sorry for leaving us too soon. For widowing my father who has a host of health issues (a heart attack from smoking back in the early 70's which lead him to a stroke, afib, CHF).

I told her she had nothing to be sorry for. I wanted my mother to die in peace. We are coming up on the 3rd anniversary of her death, and though I don't want to be this way, I am still so angry that my grief has been complicated. I feel like anger is in the way of grief and I wonder if I'll ever get beyond this phase.

If you smoke, you know what you are doing to yourself and your body. Please take a minute to think about the anger that your survivors may feel and the difficulty they may face at trying to move beyond anger and somehow find acceptance. The pain is raw and I don't know if it will ever go away.

I miss you Mom, and I love you. I don't want to be angry anymore.

Mary Parrish

Dad always told me that no family members had ever been diagnosed with any cancer as far back as he could remember. He always boasted about our family's longevity and salubrious history. I grew up watching him smoke a pack a day, and despite all the anti-smoking fervor I experienced in school, I too became a smoker at the ripe old age of 16.

He decided that he had to quit after a doctor's visit. The doctor had him compare the x-ray of his lungs from that day and one from five years before. The change was dramatic, and the doctor told him to quit or get emphysema soon after. He did quit for many years, except for the occasional one he grabbed from me. When he smoked a cigarette after abstaining for years, he invariably complained about weakness, dizziness, and just feeling plain gross. Also, he never overcame his nicotine gum addiction. Twenty years of chewing the gum did damage to his teeth, healing ability, and immune system. Even with all that damage, nicotine gum was the last thing he requested before dying. He had conquered the smoking part, but never quit completely.

As time went on, our "cancer-free" family tree finally ended once multiple tumors were found in his lungs and brain in November, 2016. My Dad wasn't able to meet his Grandson because of his nicotine addiction and was taken at 71. After nearly 20 years of non-smoking, his past life as a smoker caught up with him in a nasty and aggressive way. One month after being diagnosed, he passed away in hospice care. Now that I am a non-smoker under forty, I like to tell myself that I am in the clear. Hopefully, keeping that in mind can keep me smoke-free for the rest of my life.

R.I.P. Dad,

Harrison Witt

I smoked a pack a day for 28 years. I quit smoking cold turkey on May 23, 2015. This day was the day of my brother's funeral. He was 60 years old and died suddenly in his sleep from a heart attack caused by smoking cigarettes. He missed out seeing his first grandson who was born two weeks after his death. He missed out on the fun things he planned to do after he was going to retire in two years. He missed out on spending wonderful times with the woman he loved. He missed out on celebrating holidays with his family. His life was cut way short because he was addicted to Marlboros.

When I saw his casket being lowered into the ground, I lost every single ounce of desire for a cigarette. I quit cold turkey without any cravings or thoughts of cigarettes anymore. I did not have withdrawal symptoms, or if I did, I didn't notice them because my heart was broken and grieving desperately for my only brother who laid six feet under ground.

Cigarettes can and will kill you. Sometimes you die slowly, sometimes you die quickly, it all depends on what disease you get from smoking. It took a heart wrenching horrific tragedy to open my eyes. Don't wait until it's too late, quit smoking today and embrace life to the fullest without lethal cigarettes in your system. You can do it.

Maureen Whiting

I lost my Mother to smoking. She smoked for 40+ years. She was diagnosed with stage 4 rectal cancer that metastasized to her lungs and liver. She never gave up smoking even while in treatment. She died 12-19-08. I vowed to quit smoking myself. I quit Cold Turkey Jan 29. The pain of losing you mother and Best friend is a pain I never want to inflict on my own Sweet daughters.

Theresia Bethke

I miss my mom so much. We smoked together. That was our thing. Now she is dead, gone forever, forever; from smoking. I continue to smoke. A closet smoker. I have two daughters now, that she has never met. They are going to feel the way I feel. Hating my Mom that she chose cigarettes over me. Desperately needing my Mom. Desperately missing my Mom.

Julia

Can I add someone to your list? The father of my two kids, 41 year-old David Page. He died of aortic dissection ... his aorta blew apart. High blood pressure and 3 packs-a-day. He left two daughters, ages 12 and 14.

Kelli Page

I had grown up with a mom and dad who smoked all my life. In 2007 I watched my dad die from smoking. He had throat cancer and had to have surgery to have a hole in his throat. Just so he could talk he used a device to make words more clear so you could understand him. His eating time was hard too. He was fed by a tube in his stomach. He caughed, gaged and hacked all the time. It was sad watching him die hour by hour.

I have NEVER even tried smoking nor will i EVER. Hate it more then anything. I met my wife of 24 years who did NOT smoke either, boy was I happy. We have divorced now but I still love her as my great friend.

I met a new girl who is my best friend and girlfriend. She has tried to stop smoking several times with no permanent quit. Patches, mints, gum, vapes all to which her craving has beat. She had a stroke a few years ago so I am concerned for her health, period. I want her to quit very soon for good. I know it has to be on her terms and when she is ready. I really love her but hate the fact that she doesn't care about her health or the fact that her bf doesn't like it.

She tries to not do it in front of me. I will wait to see if she can do this on her own, I hope otherwise and will ask if she needs help. I offered before to get her help. I just cant deal or live with the smoking very much longer. I watched dad die, I dont wanna watch my girlfriend follow the same path. I don't want to put a time on it, but I feel I have to be firm or who knows when she will be ready, if ever. I love her alot. Thanks for sharing.

Mark

My cousin smoked since he was 7 (because his dad made him smoke) and by the time he was 13 he was smoking 30+ but he managed to quit for a year but he mixed with the wrong group of people and started again.

By the time he was 31 he was smoking 100 a day but he cut down to 40 a day and he died from lung cancer at 64.

Last time I saw him he was in hospital. His face was pale and his eyes were closed but he opened them, looked at me and said, "I will see you in heaven and I will be with you watching you" til he finally died.

R.I.P Nathan Smith 1949-2013 you will be missed dearly.

Emily

I am an ex-smoker and I can't believe how interesting Joel's videos are. I lost two parents to smoking related diseases (prostate cancer, dad, 57) and mom, (breast cancer, age 74 after she quit finally). I also suspect that my brother's death at age 28 from Leukemia might be related to second hand smoke, among other factors.

I am so glad I quit in my 20's and it wasn't on the first attempt and all tries were cold turkey. Luckily I got older and in situations where no one smoked and I was shamed out of it by my peers.

I have a neighbor who lives nearby that never smoked in his life, yet got lung cancer and luckily lived, although 1/3rd of his lung was removed. He told me that his dad, now long dead, smoked 3 packs a day. That is why I now suspect my brother's Leukemia had some sort of second-hand smoke cause.

My favorite video was about the smoker who was "down" to 5 packs a day from 7. That just blew my mind away. My dad smoked one pack a day, and died younger than my mom, whom he told me smoked two packs a day. She suffered chronic bronchitis more than once when I was growing up, but still managed to outlive my dad somehow. Salems, I know them well. They were always in the house. Even if we were out of food, the cigarettes existed and it did not matter what other bills were due. The cigs, always had money for them and we were poor.

Dan

Doug was a force of nature, a renaissance man, humble and dedicated to service. Ironically, he was a substance abuse counselor. He died of bladder cancer - directly attributable to smoking.

The cancer was in the lining of his bladder, so they performed a urostomy. He also had chemo and other treatment. Always studious, he told me his research on the topic revealed that 75% of people diagnosed defer treatment in favor of a term, however brief, of quality of life.

He updated his wardrobe to accommodate his urostomy bag and continued on. He attended chemo and other treatment and went directly to work afterward. When the cancer reappeared, he again pursued chemotherapy - likely at the urging of his family. His condition quickly deteriorated and chemo was no longer a option. He left his home on New Year's Day 2012 for an ambulatory supported living environment. He lost his ability to walk a day or so before his death. He greeted friends for the final time on March 14th and died on March 15, 2012.

I have never met an individual who personified the word "acceptance" more than Doug.

I didn't believe that smoking could be a direct cause, until I met a young man who survived bladder cancer. Apparently, it is a fact.

This year, at the age of 63 I was diagnosed with HPV (human papilloma virus). The particular type I have causes cervical cancer. The likelihood that I will develop cervical cancer is increased 31 to 68 percent if I am exposed to smoke. My husband is a smoker.

Wishing each of us the best.

Pat

In December 1984 I was a sophomore in college. I lost one of my closest friends because she passed out at a fraternity house holding a lit cigarette. The whole fraternity house burned down and my friend was the only one who died. Others suffered mild to severe burns.

It's always haunted me because the firemen knocked on our door early the next morning and asked if we knew where she was. We didn't, but we knew something was really wrong, so in our pajamas me and my roommate ran down the street to get more information. The firemen showed us her rings so we could initially confirm that it was our friend.

It was December and time for finals. I'm sure the fraternity was excused from final or at least allowed to postpone them. We were not. I had to attend her funeral and return the same day to take an accounting final. I ended up on scholastic probation, but didn't really care.

The rest of that year was a blur. I did manage to pull myself together the following year as far as school went, but am still haunted by the way she died.

My great grandmother died of lung cancer. She was too old to treat. It was very sad to have to come to that realization. It was very hard on my dad. She had quit smoking many years earlier, but I guess the damage was already done.

Now my 25 year old son smokes. He hides it, but it is not something you can hide very easily. Many millenials live for now and don't consider long term consequences. He thinks he needs to smoke to take the edge off - and he thinks it's better than other things that have gotten him in trouble in the past.

I've told him how I feel, but of course it's all about how he feels. This breaks my heart. Why can't he see? Why doesn't he care? There is also another person we know that is dying from lung cancer that has spread. We see this person almost every week. Just why!?!

Why doesn't he care more about his appearance, but more importantly why doesn't he care about his health and living a long life?!?

Desperate

RW

I lost my father in May of this year to metastatic lung cancer. Sadly, he had quit smoking 15 years earlier. The last time I saw him, he was a shell of himself and the final words and said as I hugged him goodbye were "see you on the other side baby." I will ALWAYS miss him and there is a special kind of pain watching a loved one slowly die from cancer.

I, myself, quit smoking almost 2 years ago. Please don't start, and if you are trying to quit, remember there are much worse things than a few days of withdrawl.

Rest In Peace
Jim Heusi
January 25, 1949- May 8, 2015

Love your daughter,

Jenna

I quit smoking 100 days ago, just a week before my mother died for lung cancer. She smoked for more than 40 years and died when she was 70.

On November 3, 2014, she came home from work and started vomiting. On November 26, 2014 she was diagnosed with lung cancer. On December 15, 2014 she died in a hospital bed.

Just few days before dying she said very proudly: "I quit smoking" :D

I smoked for 22 years. Now I'm 37 and I will never smoke again.

Bye bye mom, I love you.

Dario

I quit smoking since 10/09/10, the day my dad died so suddenly by heart attack at age 61. I was 26. He left this world without any notice and somehow I felt angry and abandoned because he could have quit, he could have done something to stop from smoking two packs of cigarettes per day. The doctor said that his lungs were black and useless and that basically he committed suicide. I quit smoking since then because I don't want smoking to be my cause of death!

I will always remember the day that my dad died as the day that saved my life.

Thank you dad, I am thinking of you every second.

GC